


A Wolf's Burden

by SaytenTheHellspawn



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rating May Change, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Torture, no beta we die like men, title may change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-07-30 22:49:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20104900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaytenTheHellspawn/pseuds/SaytenTheHellspawn
Summary: Kaiser is a werewolf with several issues due to his traumatic past. Unable to move on from his experiences, his mind becomes darker by the day as his wolf gains more control over him. He joins the Companions in an attempt to get protection from the Silver Hand who hunt him, much to the disliking of Vilkas who knows something is off about him.After an incident which ends up making Kaiser's mental state even worse than before, Vilkas finds himself helping Kaiser through his issues one step at a time. Maybe Vilkas will come to find he has more in common with Kaiser than he thought. Maybe they'll become friends because of this.Maybe, just maybe, they'll become something more.





	1. Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first work ive posted in almost 2 years (i think) so if there's any spelling mistakes or anything that's why. If you read any of my other works i will go into more detail in the end notes. With that said, enjoy the story!

**5th of Rain's Hand, 4E 201**

Vilkas sat across from Kodlak, his body tense and thoughts racing. His blood boiled in his veins as his wolf fought for dominance in his head, wanting to tear free from its prison and taste the blood of its prey. His mouth watered slightly at the thought of his sharp fangs digging into the warm flesh of whatever was unfortunate enough to cross his path. He wanted to feel blood soaking his fur as he feasted on the juicy, raw meat of his prey, he wanted the metallic taste to fill his maw and satisfy his hunger. Vilkas was torn from his thoughts by the harbinger.

"Your thoughts trouble you." The old wolf said, his wise silver eyes staring into Vilkas' own with a knowing glint.

"Aye." Vilkas said. Over the last ten years of having the beast blood he had gotten very good at hiding his violent thoughts. Kodlak, however, saw through this facade having had a similar experience. After pausing for a few seconds the younger wolf continued.

"I still hear the call of the blood." It was more than some quiet, insugnificant call. It was a demanding howl that invaded every thought at any moment of his life. It was always there, sending his mind to the edge of madness with every bark and howl.

"We all do," Kodlak responded "It is our burden to bear, but we can overcome it."

"I know but..." Vilkas paused trying to find the right words to describe his mental pain "it's so... hard. Its so hard to describe what i feel. I dont want to let it take over but at the same time i just want it to go away. It feels so good to just... change. Let it take over and feel free of its grasp for once. I just want to be free forever." Vilkas leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, fingers rubbing his temples as if he were trying to sooth a headache. He let out a shakey breath before sitting back up.

"Dont worry, I'm working on it." the Harbinger said, his tone calming to the ear. "Hopefully soon we'll have a cure for this curse. Hopefully the others will want it too."

"I know Farkas is thinking about being cured." The younger wolf stated. "He doesnt struggle with it anywhere near to the level I do. Aela and Skjor, though, I'm not so sure. They seem pretty content with being wolves."

"Leave that part to me. I'll talk to them about it." Kodlak reassured.

The sound of heavy footsteps echoed through the hall. The smell of pine and dirt infiltrated Vilkas' nostrils along with an alarming scent.

Wolf.

The master at arms felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He turned his head to the door and saw a tall man in steel armor standing in the doorway. He was a huge Nord, about half a head taller than Farkas with more muscle. His long, black, unkempt hair fell in his face with a few braids framing it. The pale skin of his face was illuminated by golden eyes, the eyes of a predator. He carried a dwarven shield on his back and an ebony sword on his hip. Vilkas was intimidated by this man, if he could even call him that.

"I'd like to join the Companions." He stated with a deep, rumbling voice.

Vilkas looked over at Kodlak. The old mans face was unreadable before lightening up a bit

"Would you now?" He asked. "Come, let me have a look at you."

The tall wolf took a few steps closer, his features becoming more apparent as he did so. He had dark purple warpaint streaked across his face and three large scars covering the right side of his face, the first going fom his lower jaw across his lips, the second from his mid cheek across his nose, and the third from his upper cheek just narrowly missing his eye. He had a thick stubble, giving him an even more rugged appearance.

Kodlak eyed the wolf, examining his form for a few seconds. Vilkas sat completely silent, his wolf going crazy in his mind as this stranger stood only a few feet in front of him. He knew the stranger could sense his discomfort.

Kodlak broke the silence. "Hmm, yes. You possess a certain strength and spirit." The old man concluded much to Vilkas' shock.

"Master, you can't be serious!" He exclaimed, not trying to hide his disbelief.

"I am nobody's 'Master', Vilkas." The old wolf scolded. "Last I checked we still had empty beds for those with fire burning in their hearts."

"Apologies, but maybe he shouldn't join. Haven't you noticed that he's a-"

"Werewolf." The old man finished for him."I know thw scent of our kind, child, and yes, I'm serious."

Kodlak turned his attention to the taller Nord. "Besides, I don't think that really matters. What does, however, is his heart."

"And arm." Vilkas quipped.

The old man chuckled a little. "Ah of course! How are you in battle, boy?"

"I can handle myself." Another blunt answer.

Kodlak nodded, his expression again unreadable. "That may be so." He gestured toward the master at arms. "This is Vilkas, he will be the judge of that." The old man gave Vilkas a small grin "Take the lad out to the yard and see what he can do."

Vilkas sighed in aggravation, knowing there was no changing Kodlaks mind. He rose from his seat, taking his sword and shield from their spot against the wall. Just as he was about to leave Kodlak piped up.

"Ah, I almost forgot, what is you're name, boy?"

"Kaiser." Was all he said before leaving the room with Vilkas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the time has come for me to post once again to this website. its been a long time since I last updated but my life is starting to smooth out at last. Most of the last year and a half has been pretty stressful for me: I graduated from high school in June and started seeing a family counsellor. I also lost a family member a few moths ago and I took it pretty hard, but I've gotten a lot better since then. I'm also searching for a job so hopefully I'll be employed in a few moths at most. So with all that said I'm going to be posting more often now that my life's cleared up a little and I have a laptop I can use to write my shit on (my iPad kept crashing whenever I tried to post stuff so that's part of the reason I didn't update for so long). I wont be taking any requests for Transformers Smut for a while because I want to take some time getting back into writing.  
Btw if anyone is wondering what Kaiser sounds like I imagine him sounding similar to Peter Steele (frontman of Type O Negative for those who don't know who he was.)


	2. Killer Wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilkas tests Kaisers arm and thinks about shit. Im really good at summaries I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are any spelling or grammatical errors in this chapter please let me know, me grammar is much bad :).

Vilkas didn't say a word to Kaiser as they went to the yard, nor did the latter say anything either. The smaller wolf just wanted to get this over with and he hoped the stranger would fail, although he doubted it. Kaiser was a large man, looking to be in his late thirties or early forties, so around Vilkas' age, and could probably beat the shit out of Vilkas if he wanted to. Everything about Kaiser set Vilkas off; his scent, appearance, and his eerily calm demeanor, it all made the master at arms uncomfortable in every way. He did, however, have a little bit of hope that he was wrong. They hadn't had any new warriors join the Companions since Ria, and she had joined about a year prior.

Vilkas looked back at Kaiser, the formers silver eyes meeting with the latter's gold ones. He felt his heart jump at the unnatural glow of Kaiser's eyes and quickly turned away from him. His wolf must have been very powerful if it showed this much in his appearance. As he thought about it though, Vilkas realised that there was no soul in Kaiser's eyes, like they had been stripped of their light leaving only an empty shell behind. It made Vilkas wonder even more what had happened in Kaiser's life to make him into this seemingly emotionless husk, or if he was just born that way.

Most of the other Companions were in the yard when they got there; Skjor sat with Farkas at a table conversing with each other, Torvar was sparring with Athis while Ria and Njada watched on. They paused and stared at Kaiser as the two passed by, Torvar even uttering "Holy shit." at Kaiser's massive size as he and Athis stepped aside. Vilkas made his way down the steps to the spacious yard and pulled his sword from its scabbard, giving it a few swings.

Kaiser stopped a few feet in front of Vilkas as the latter finished doing some stretches in preparation for the test. "The old man said to take a look at you, so lets get this over with." The smaller wolf straightened out, relaxing his muscles slightly before taking a more defensive stance, shield at the ready with his sword held in his tight grip. "And don't worry, I can take it."

Within a second Kaiser drew his ebony sword from its scabbard and swung it down onto Vilkas' shield causing the latter to stumble from the force. The look on Kaiser's face was enough to send shivers down Vilkas' spine; his mouth had opened to reveal sharp wolf-like fangs drawn into an animalistic snarl, his eyes holding a hunger for violence that Vilkas had never seen in another man, wolf or not. Vilkas raised his shield again as Kaiser landed another blow to his shield denting the metal in the process. This sent Vilkas to the ground, buckling under the sheer strength of Kaiser's arm, landing with a grunt of pain. He looked up at the larger wolf who stared down at his opponent menacingly. Vilkas got to his feet, wiping dirt from his armor as he did so.

"Alright, you did much better than I expected." Vilkas admitted. "Keep it up, you might just make it, however," he continued. "you're still a whelp to us, so do what you're told." Vilkas shoved his sword into Kaiser's arms. "Take this up to Eorlund so he can sharpen it and be careful, it's probably worth more than you are." He then headed back inside with Farkas on his tail.

They sat down together at the large table in the middle of the hall. Vilkas grabbed an apple from a bowl and took a bite with a loud crunch. Farkas leaned forward just within his twins peripheral vision.

"You got your ass kicked out there, you alright?" Farkas' asked with concern.

"Yes, I'm fine." the older twin answered through bites.

"Is he the new guy? Skjor told me that he just waltzed into the hall and asked to join up."

"Mm-hm." Vilkas grunted, his mouth filled with apple.

"I'm surprised Kodlak even accepted him." Vilkas stated once he finished chewing the fruit "You know what he is right?'

"Yeah, he's like us only... Different."

Vilkas' eyes widened a little "You sense it too?' Farkas nodded.

"There's something off about him, but I don't think it's anything bad. I just feel like he's not all there in the head." Farkas paused for a few seconds, pondering what to say. "I smell fear on him, he's cautious of something. He doesn't talk much either."

"I already knew that part. I didn't smell any fear though."

"I think it went away by the time you saw him, the scent was long gone by the time you two came out to the yard." Farkas stated.

After a few minutes of silence Farkas got up from his seat. "I'll be down in my room if you need me." And with that, he left. Kaiser came in about a minute later with a Skyforge steel shield in his hands and headed downstairs as well.

Vilkas was the only one in the hall now, left to his apple and thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start naming future chapters after songs just for the shits and giggles so if anyone wants to know what song future chapters are named after just ask in the comments and ill tell ya (some songs will go with the chapters and some wont, I just named them after songs for fun). Chapters will also get longer at some point (probably when I start getting more sleep and have more energy lol).


	3. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, correct me on any spelling or grammatical errors please.

**3rd of Second Seed, 4E 201**

Vilkas kept a close eye on Kaiser during the next few weeks.

He did a number of jobs during that time ranging from animal exterminating to hunting down escaped criminals, which wasn't a problem for a werewolf. He would usually be back within a day or two, the longest he had been gone was five days. He didn't say where he had been, only that it was personal which Vilkas found suspicious. The lingering smell of silver did nothing but further his suspicions. Despite that, Kaiser had formed a friendly relationship with Farkas and Ria, the latter being the friendliest of the Whelps. It didn't surprise Vilkas that she would try to befriend their newest recruit despite his closed off nature, since that seemed to encourage her even more. From the looks of it, she succeeded in befriending him. Kodlak's health had declined during this time as well, Kaiser being one of the people to assist him when needed, something Vilkas wasn't entirely comfortable with, but appreciated.

The large wolf had proven himself to be a capable warrior too, as if he hadn't already during the test. He further proved his worth during his trial, which came two weeks after he first arrived. It was nothing special, all he had to do was retrieve some stolen items from a tribe of Falmer and return them in one piece. Needless to say, he passed his trial and became a full member of the Companions. About a month had passed since Kaiser joined the guild, with no real issues coming up at the time. Vilkas once overheard his shield siblings would talk among themselves about the newest member, though, Athis commenting on the Nord's habit of waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in heavy sweat. This concerned Vilkas, he knew that some werewolves like himself suffered from thoughts of the hunt in their sleep and he wondered if that was the case for Kaiser. He had seen the larger Nord's wolf come out before, while testing his arm, and didn't want to see any of the other Companions hurt or worse because of it. He would kill that monster himself if did anything to his family.

Kaiser was sent on another job by Farkas to take down a group of bandits at Bilegulch Mine and returned four days later, uninjured and covered in the blood of the very bandits he had slaughtered. Vilkas stared at the beast as he received his pay from Farkas who looked like he was going to vomit at Kaiser's stench. He smelled of blood and sweat and several other things that Vilkas wished he never inhaled. After he got his coin Kaiser made his way downstairs, closing the door with a loud thud as if he had slammed it shut. Vilkas took a sip of his tankard before returning his attention to the pages of his book, paying no mind when Farkas joined him at the table to eat.

Kaiser emerged about an hour later in a plain white tunic, hair slightly wet and face clear of dirt and blood as well as having a freshly trimmed beard. He looked much younger now that he was clean, his facial features more apparent too. He had a diamond shaped face with a sharp jawline. Thick eyebrows hung low over his eyes which had dark circles under them, a feature Vilkas was all too familiar with. He too had those dark circles due to his beast blood preventing him from a full night of sleep. Kaiser, however, didn't bother trying to hide them like Vilkas did with his war paint.

He sat down at the large table with a bottle of mead in his hand, taking a long gulp of the beverage. Once he finished the bottle he turned his attention to an untouched venison chop sitting on a plate next to him.

"Is anyone gonna eat it?" He asked pointing to the chop. His mouth was watering a little as the smell of the freshly cooked meat filled his nose.

Vilkas was about to answer when Farkas did it for him. "Nah," he waved his hand toward Kaiser "It's all yours."

Kaiser's lips twitched as a small smile formed on them. He then reached over and grabbed the plate before digging into the warm, juicy meat. The three of them sat in silence for a long while, Vilkas found the moment of peace quite nice, that is, until Torvar showed up.

"Hey there, big guy!" Torvar greeted merrily as he sat down next to Kaiser, slapping the much larger Nord on the back in a friendly manner. Kaiser's usually calm face contorted into one of shock and fear, his golden eyes widening in horror as if he had seen a loved one perish right before his eyes and within a split second he struck Torvar, sending him to the ground in a single punch. A sickening crack was barely audible over Torvar's scream of pain. He landed on his back clutching his clearly broken nose, blood pouring between his fingers and staining his hands. People came running from the yard and living quarters at his cries of pain, Athis rushing to his friends side while Tilma ran off to get some rags and bandages. Ria, who just came out of the yard with Aela and Skjor, was standing with hers hands covering her mouth in shock while the other two rushed to Kaiser. The large, normally calm Nord sat on the ground, lips quivering and eyes wide as he realised what he had done. He freaked out even more when Aela and Skjor took ahold of his arms and hauled him to his feet and practically dragged him outside as he desperately struggled to break free of their grip. Kodlak and Njada emerged from the living quartes at last, the former being assisted up the stairs by the latter.

"By the Nine what happened?!" The old man demanded, looking around the room looking for the cause of the madness. "Where's Kaiser?"

"Outside with Skjor and Aela." Farkas replied as he joined Athis in looking at Torvars wound.

"He fucking punched me in the face!" The bloodied man shouted, still clutching his nose "All I did was smack him on the back! I didn't mean anything by it, I swear!"

Kodlak headed outside with the twins at his side leaving the others to tend to Torvar, his groans of pain following them outside.

When the trio arrived to the yard Kaiser, Skjor and Aela were nowhere in sight. After a few seconds of looking around the sound of howling pierced the air overtaking Torvar's pained groans.

Vilkas' felt his heart drop as he realised what was happening. "Shit." He whispered under his breath. He took off in a sprint towards the Underforge, grabbing a training sword from a nearby rack. While the swords were blunted as to avoid severe injury, they could land a killing blow if swung hard enough. When he entered the Underforge he was met with the sight of a huge werewolf, it's head nearly touching the ceiling and towering over an injured Skjor while Aela sat slumped against a wall also injured. The monster reared it's head toward Vilkas and let out a howl of rage before heading for the exit out of Whiterun and disappearing down the tunnel. Vilkas could hear his wolf in his head, it's demanding howls brought him further to the edge of changing. He could almost taste Kaiser's blood on his tongue, the rage of seeing his shield siblings like this served as fuel for his wolf to egg him on. Vilkas felt his bones snap as the wolf took over, his limbs elongated and his fingers formed into sharp claws. He groaned in pleasured pain as his face stretched out and his teeth grew long and dagger-like, his skin burned as fur sprouted from his back, feeling like the hottest flames of Oblivion had ignited on it and was now engulfing his entire body in it's grasp. At last he turned his head skyward and let out a long howl, the wolf finally free from it's prison and hungry for some warm, succulent blood.

Vilkas was gone by the time his brother and Harbinger arrived to the Underforge, left to tend to their injured brethren.

<><><><><>

'Why do you keep running?.' Kaiser thought as he raced through the plains of Whiterun. 'What were you thinking? Joining the Companions was a terrible idea! They'll hunt you down now that you've hurt three of their pack! You'll be joining the rest of yours with Hircine soon enough, so why do you keep trying to get away? They're gonna find you eventually, that is, if the Silver Hand don't before then.'

But Kaiser kept going, killing whatever was in his path and quickly devouring the corpses for energy. If he shifted back now they would surely catch up to him, so if he could stay in this beastly form for a little longer he had a chance of getting away.

'Even if you succeed in escaping, where will you go? No one would take in a monster like you and even if they did the Silver Hand will just take them all away. They always do.' Kaiser held back tears at the memory of the Silver Hand slaughtering his entire pack, leaving him alone in the world once again before bringing him to their fort and... and.....

He didn't want to remember that. Not now. Not ever. Doing that would do nothing for for him.

He eventually found himself deep in the forest of Falkreath hold, his home. The one place where he could be without being a danger to society. It was better to stay here, besides, if he went back to living in the woods he'd always have his mother and father, even if they were six-feet under.

Kaiser was torn from his thoughts by the sound of twigs snapping behind him. He heard people talking, the smell of silver hitting him hard.

'No no no.' He thought. 'They're after me again. The one that got away...'

With panic setting in once again Kaiser made a run for it, dashing through the woods in an attempt to get away again. He heard arrows whiz by as he ran, he heard them shouting at him. "There he is!" One yelled. "Kill that bastard!" Cried another. An agonizing pain shot through Kaiser's entire body as a silver arrow pierced his back, sending him to the ground. He screamed in agony as he writhed on the ground for what felt like minutes. He felt a hot blade slide across his chest, deep enough to draw blood, but not enough to kill him. He screamed as another blade slashed his fur covered flesh, followed by another, and another. By the time they stopped Kaiser had shifted back to his human form, gasping in pain whilst trying to crawl away in vain. An armored boot stepped in his way and Kaiser looked up to see the leader of the party. He gave Kaiser a sadistic grin as he kneeled down to the wolf. He cried out as the man took ahold of his head and smashed it against the ground a few times before flipping him onto his back. The leader held Kaisers arms down as an Imperial woman straddled his hips, taking a vial of silver liquid of her pocket.

"Thirsty?" She asked in a sickly sweet voice as she gingerly uncorked the vial, the stench of silver invading Kaisers sensitive nose.

"I hope you like liquid silver, the other wolves didn't that's for sure." Her rotting teeth showed through her wicked grin. He watched as she poured a little bit of silver onto his chest wound, unable to do anything due to being weakened by their silver weapons and held down by the strongest members of the group of six. Everything happened in slow motion for him as the silver entered his wound, he felt every single second of it burning into his flesh. He wanted it to end after only ten seconds of the grueling torture, he just wanted them to get bored with him and put him out of his misery. But this was the Silver Hand, they wouldn't bore of his torture until he was long dead and even then, they still had his corpse to play with. The Imperial emptied about half of the vial onto his wound before stopping, pausing only to look down at him with a smug smirk on her face. After what felt like hours she grabbed his jaw and opened his mouth, bringing the silver poison to his lips so he could choke on it. Before she could empty the silver into his maw a loud howl filled the air. Kaiser was released as the Silver Hand charged at their new opponent, their screams flowing into Kaiser's ears as each of his torturers was torn to pieces. One by one their cries dwindled until silence took over the woods once again.

'Is this it?' Kaiser thought, after a few seconds of silence. His vision was starting to fade, but he could make out a dark figure approaching him, another werewolf from what he could see. He smiled weakly. 'It is, it's finally over.' He thought before everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent so fucking long writing this chapter I hope its good.


	4. I Don't Wanna Be Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilkas has a serious talk with Kaiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I took a few days off from writing because it was like 30 degrees and my laptop heat was making it worse. Its cooler now so I was just like ill update now before it feels like a fucking volcano on venus again. 
> 
> Fuck Canadian summer.
> 
> Also, I don't know if you know this but... Please correct me on any spelling/grammar mistakes :D

Vilkas looked down upon Kaiser's still form. His mouth watered at the thought of feasting on the large Nord, oh how badly he wanted to sink his teeth into the soft flesh of his shield brother. Taste his blood, rip into his skin and get the tender meat underneath. His wolf was in full control and he could do nothing about it. He crouched down beside his shield brother and lifted one of his arms to his snout wanting to take a nice, long whiff of his scent. The beast felt a slight pulse in the wrist of it's prey and was surprised that the Nord was still alive despite his injuries. The wolf smiled a bloodthirsty grin and licked it's lips. This was going to be a delicious meal.

A low growl brought the beast out of it's hungered haze. It turned around to see another of it's kind standing in the moonlight. It smelled familiar, of the same blood.

'Farkas?' the beast thought as Vilkas took back control of his body. He felt his bones snapping into place once again while his long fur receded back into his skin. Soon enough he found himself on his hands and knees panting from the transformation. He shivered at the sudden cold of the nighttime breeze, realizing that he was completely nude. Vilkas looked up to his younger twin who was now sitting beside Kaiser. Even when he was in wolf form, Vilkas could still see a look of worry on Farkas' face, it was all in his eyes. They searched for any signs of life within Kaiser's seemingly dead body, frantically darting around his form looking for some kind of movement.

"He's alive, I can smell it." Vilkas stated as he joined his brother at Kaiser's side. Farkas exhaled in relief before carefully picking up of Kaiser's body. The Nord twitched a little in response to being moved, coughing up a little blood as he didi so. Vilkas was confused, were they bringing Kaiser back? Why would they bring him back to Jorrvaskr now that they knew he was a threat to not only their shield siblings, but to all of Whiterun? He decided to ask Farkas once he shifted back but for now, he needed some clothes for his run back home. Vilkas turned to the corpses littering the ground. Their armor would do for now.

<><><><><>

**5th of Second Seed, 4E 201**

Kaiser slowly opened his eyes, the light of a candle being the first thing he saw. He tried to sit up but was stopped by an agonizing pain shooting through his body. He whined because of this and laid back down, the pain refusing to go away. He looked down at himself, bandages covered his wounds. He turned his attention to his surroundings; he laid in a warm bed, the room he was in looked familiar, smelled familiar too. It smelled of wolf with a warm musk. He could smell freshly cooked food; meat, bread, and soup, all of them faint but present. He could hear people talking outside the door to the room, an old woman and man. He recognised the voices belonging to Tilma and Kodlak respectively. He couldn't make out what they were saying but the confirmation that he was in Jorrvaskr was enough to unsettle him. He wanted to run far, far away and never come back. No one else needed to be hurt because of him. He never should have joined the group in the first place, all he did was fuck things up for them and cause trouble. He knew he should leave, he wanted to so badly. But where would he go? Join another pack and lose them too? No. Run off into the woods again and get hunted down by the Silver Hand? No. There was one person he knew who was still alive, but Kaiser didn't want to endanger him or his family. He couldn't do that to his childhood friend.

He wished he wasn't in this situation. He didn't want to be cursed like this.

He didn't want to be himself anymore.

Kaiser curled up into a ball as his thoughts overwhelmed him, ignoring the pain doing so caused. Nothing could beat the inescapable pain he felt every single day of his life. He began to sob quietly to himself, whether or not it was from the physical or mental pain he didn't know but it made no difference. He thought of so many things; losing his mother and father, both of his packs, his mate, how all of it was his fault. He failed them all and now he was paying the price, something he felt he deserved. He was absolute scum for what he did to them and there was nothing he could do to fix it. Scum deserved to die, he thought, he deserved to die. Since the world seemed intent on making him suffer maybe he could end the cycle himself. No one would miss him anyway and besides, maybe he could reunite with his friends in the Hunting Grounds of Hircine, despite the fact that he didn't want to go there in death. All he wanted in death was peace but maybe the comfort of being with both of his packs would make up for it. Maybe...

Kaiser heard the door creak open and froze, his mind going silent as he concentrated on listening for footsteps. The smell of wolf was stronger now, and his own was on edge because of this. He felt a low, deep growl burn in his throat. He slowly sat up and turned to the intruder, finding Vilkas standing in the doorway. Kaiser hunched his back in a defensive posture, hands gripping the sides of the bed to the point of the wood cracking under his vice-like grip. His wolf was growling in his head, demanding to be released. The large Nord stared at Vilkas, not wanting him to come closer fearing that his wolf would harm him. Or worse.

"Calm down. I'm just here to watch you." Vilkas appealed. He wasn't in his usual armor but was instead dressed in more comfortable attire; a brown tunic, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and black trousers with black leather boots. Even his ever present war paint was gone, revealing dark circles under his silver eyes. He walked into the room and took a seat across from the bed, ignoring Kaiser's uncomfortable stare. Once seated the smaller Nord pulled a book out of a nearby bookshelf just within arms reach.

Ten minutes of silence passed, neither of the two saying a word to each other. The only sound in the room was Vilkas flipping the pages of his book.

"Who brought me back here?" Kaiser asked, hesitantly looking at his shield brother.

"Farkas and I did." Vilkas responded not looking up from his book.

"Why?" Kaiser could feel tears coming up in his eyes but he held them back.

Vilkas paused before answering. "You were almost dead by the time I found you, if it weren't for my brother carrying you back you wouldn't be here right now." He looked up at the larger Nord. "Did you want to be left behind or something?"

Kaiser felt tears streaming down his cheeks as he looked down at his lap. Teardrops fell down onto the blanket covering him, darkening the fabric.

"Yes."

Kaiser heard the creak of a chair and felt Vilkas kneel down beside the bed. Kaiser turned toward the other man, tears still streaming down his face. Vilkas looked back at him, concern written all over his face.

"Why do you think that? Why would you ever think that?"

"You saw what I did to Torvar, what I did to Skjor and Aela. I know you've never liked me so why do you care?" Kaiser sobbed as he spoke. "Why do you even want me here? After what I've done?" He nearly shouted through sobs.

Vilkas' brow furrowed. "I care because you are my shield brother. I may not like it, I don't have to like it, but the fact you are here now wishing you were dead is not something I like to hear. I know you want to die, you hurt yourself, I've seen the scars. I've seen what you keep in you're bag." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small scalpel, candlelight shining off it's silver blade. Kaiser's eyes widened in horror.

"Why did you go through my things?" He almost whispered, shocked by what he was hearing and seeing.

"I knew something was off about you the second you stepped foot into this hall. I smelled silver on you, so I thought you were Silver Hand. But since you're a werewolf they would never let you be one of them. So while you were in this room I went ahead and checked your bag and found this scalpel." Vilkas took hold of Kaiser's wrist, turning it over and exposing several scars running along his arm. "You chose silver because it causes more damage, didn't you? You're hoping that the silver kills you." Kaiser stay silent.

Vilkas gestured to the scars. "I saw these when Tilma was tending to you and it all came together then. I know you've experienced something terrible, Skjor told me you were screaming about the Silver Hand when he and Aela were taking you out. They have done something to you, I don't know what it is but you. Need. Help. That's why you're here, isn't it? You came here for help and protection." Kaiser didn't know how to respond to that. He just stared at Vilkas, choking back tears.

"Skjor and Aela have forgiven you for what you did. Torvar, however, I'm not sure. Kodlak wants to help you, I want to help you. Farkas too. You need this, even if you say you don't. You need to tell us what they did to you. Not immediately, but at some point you will have to open up." Kaiser didn't want to talk to him about his past, he never wanted to remember it again. The pain was too much to experience again.

"I can tell you struggle with your wolf, I've known since the test. I know that battle all too well. If you refuse to let me help you mentally, at least let me help you with your wolf. I don't want to see another shield brother fall to his inner beast. I think you deserve better than that." There was a sadness in Vilkas' eyes, a sadness that Kaiser knew all to well. Vilkas pinched the bridge of his nose, fingers moving out to rub his eyes. "Please, at least think about it." Vilkas looked up at his shield brother pleadingly.

Kaiser took a moment to consider the offer. "Alright." He sniffled. "I will."

Vilkas gave him a small smile before standing to his feet. "I'll leave you be then. I'll come back tomorrow to watch you again." And with that he walked to the door and opened it, its hinges giving a quiet creak in protest. He closed the door behind him as he left, leaving Kaiser to his own devices once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to shed a little more light on Kaiser's backstory and mental state here. The stuff about his family, packs and all that will come back later. The childhood friend will come in later too and I have some plans for him :) I really hope this chapter was ok just wanted to spend some time on character development and angst (as if this work doesn't have enough of that already). I'll make sure to post some light hearted chapters in the future 
> 
> Im also working on a drawing of Kaiser for those of you who want a better look at him. Ill post it to my tumblr and insta once its done so stay tuned for that. Ill post the links to those sites in the next chapter notes (my tumblr link is in my bio if anyone wants to check it out beforehand tho). Im gonna do the same thing for any other OCs that come up in the story too :)
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter <3


	5. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaiser has his doubts about Vilkas' offer while Vilkas doubts his life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to write a lighter chapter today, mix things up a bit. Next chapter will go back to being dark as usual tho. Hope you guys like my attempt at humor.

**7th of Second Seed, 4E 201**

Kaiser winced in pain as Tilma peeled back the bandages covering his chest, the wound underneath reddening as it was stretched and tugged, irritating the sensitive skin. It had healed since the attack, but not by much. The silver that had been poured on the gash insured that a nasty, horrific scar would be imprinted on his flesh for the rest of his life. A groan of discomfort escaped Kaiser's lips as a rag soaked in healing potions was gently pressed against his wound as the old woman cleaned it. Her fingers rubbed into the wound as she carefully cleaned it, trying to get rid of anything that could cause infection. Kaiser's eyes squeezed shut and he hissed through his teeth in discomfort as the rag reach the edge of the gash, splitting the skin a little. He opened his eyes and stared at the old woman.

"I'm sorry, dear." Tilma apologised, her voice quiet and soft. "I have to clean it, don't it to get infected now, hm?" She smiled at him sweetly. Kaiser relaxed a bit at this and sighed. Closing his eyes once more, the Nord leaned back, resting against the headboard of his bed. He shivered as Tilma removed the rag from his chest, the sting of the potion replaced with a cold, numb feeling. A small hand on his back guided him back into a sitting position, allowing the old maid to wrap some bandages around his body.

"There, is that better?" She asked. Kaiser nodded in confirmation.

"I still have to dress you're other wounds dear, so hang tight." Kaiser responded with a short grunt. Tilma handed him a mug filled with a red liquid. A healing potion, he assumed.

"Here, it'll help with the smaller scrapes and bruises." She said.

Kaiser took the mug from her small, feeble hands. He took a sip o the potion and gagged, the bitter taste slid down his throat and coated it in a thin paste. Tilma giggled a little as Kaiser swallowed the potion with a look of disgust on his face and handed the mug back to her.

"Didn't like that, did you?" She asked rhetorically. "Don't worry dear, Vilkas used to hate drinking potions too."

"I thought he hated everything." He snarked. Tilma guffawed at that.

"It may seem that way, but he's much nicer than he lets on." Kaiser snorted in disbelief. Their conversation from last night was fresh in his head. He didn't know if he could trust Vilkas. It wasn't that he hated the man or anything, he just felt uncomfortable talking to Vilkas about his problems. Only one other person knew about Kaiser's past, and he was a childhood friend. A very close one. Vilkas wasn't anywhere near that level and Kaiser doubted that Vilkas could provide him with proper help.

"How do you know that?" He asked with uncertainty.

Tilma paused in the middle of wrapping the last wound. "I raised both him and his brother since they were pups. I am the closest thing they have to a mother and I love them like one too." There was no anger to her tone, but she was stern. "I know he can come off as a little harsh, but he means well. It's just been hard for him to open up ever since his father left." She added as she resumed wrapping Kaiser's wound. "But, I probably shouldn't say more than that. That's a story for another day." Kaiser remembered Farkas mentioning their father, Jergen, before. All Kaiser really knew was that he left to fight in the Great War and never came back.

Kaiser stayed silent as Tilma finished dressing the last wound, wanting to ask her another question but contemplating how to say it.

"There we are! All done." The old woman cheered as she pinned the bandage in place. "Let me know if you're hungry later, I'm making Horker stew for lunch!" As she was about to leave Kaiser spoke up.

"Vilkas offered to help me with my wolf, should I listen to him?" He shook nervously as he spoke. He didn't want to tell her about the other help Vilkas had offered.

Tilma looked back to him "Yes, I think that would be wise. He's been struggling the most with the beast blood for as long as he's had it, so he's the best person to talk to about it. He'll help you too, if you let him."

Kaiser nodded his head, taking all the information in. If what she said was true, maybe he had a chance of being happy again. Maybe his life would go back to how it was all those years ago. Before the Silver Hand took everything from him. How much he wanted his life back, his joy, his pack, everything he had lost. "Okay, thank you." He looked at her gratefully, with a small smile.

<><><><><>

Vilkas was sitting with Kodlak at their usual spot in the latter's quarters, trying to explain his plight to the Harbinger. He was beginning to regret offering his help to Kaiser, feeling that he was inadequate for the job. He knew he could assist his shield brother with his wolf but with his mental health? Not a chance. He knew nothing about the subject and would be useless to Kaiser in that department.

"What should I do, Harbinger? I feel like I made a terrible mistake." Vilkas confided.

Kodlak sighed, wiping his hand down his face, combing his fingers through his long white beard.

"Boy, you didn't make a mistake. You can do good to the lad, you just need to gain his trust. Be kind to him, show him respect, show him that you care about his well being."

"By the Nine, I'm not trying to court him." The younger Nord jested. Kodlak gave a small chuckle in response.

"Oh come now, boy, give an old man hope. You can do both those things." The Harbinger let out a heartier laugh at Vilkas' look of surprise, the younger man's eyes were wide and his cheeks red with embarrassment. He wasn't expecting his joke to turn on him like that.

"In all seriousness," Kodlak continued after he finished his fit of laughter. "just let me handle his mental health for now. Help him control his wolf, you can handle that, I know you can."

"Aye, I'll try."

Kodlak gave him a satisfied smile and nodded, patting Vilkas on the shoulder as he got up from his chair. "Do me proud, son."

Vilkas let his mind wander as he walked back to his quarters. He thought about ways he could gain Kaiser's trust, aside from what Kodlak said. He supposed he could ask Farkas how he befriended the other Nord. Ask him what he knew about Kaiser, just so he had some information beforehand. If he was going to help the larger wolf he would have to know some things about him, including his age since Vilkas wasn't even sure how old his shield brother was.

He was going to need to take some notes.

<><><><><>

"You don't even know how old he is?" Farkas was baffled. His twin just scratched his the back of his head and chuckled in shame.

"By the Nine Vilkas, I'm a fuckin' idiot and even I know to know the age of the guy I'm hittin' on!." Farkas teased. Vilkas wasn't amused.

"Please, for the love of Mara, just tell me." Vilkas' face was red with embarrassment. "And please don't call yourself an idiot, you're not." He leaned onto the table and rubbed his hands on his face.

Farkas shrugged. "He's twenty nine, turning thirty in Hearthfire." He took a sip of mead while Vilkas stared at him.

"How in the flying fuck is he twenty nine?" Vilkas was in shock. How in Oblivion did he think Kaiser was older than that?

"How old did you think he was?" Farkas asked, amused.

"Around our age. Maybe a little older."

Farkas barked a laugh. "You actually thought he was thirty six?! You can't tell a persons age for shit!"

"Shut up! You thought Ria was in her late twenties when she joined and she's nine teen!" Vilkas hissed, glaring daggers at his younger twin.

"Aw, come on Vil. Take a joke!" The larger twin grinned, clapping his brother on the shoulder and shaking him playfully.

"Can we just move on, please?" Vilkas sunk down into his seat in defeat after Farkas released him, glad that they were the only ones in the main hall, saving a little of his pride.

"Oh, fine. What else do you need to know?"

"Whatever you know, really. I just need enough for conversation."

Farkas paused before answering. "Well, he's from Falkreath, he likes foxes, purple and green are his favorite colors, and his favorite food is chicken dumplings and potato bread." He finished with a gasped as he said that all in one breath.

Vilkas stared blankly at his brother. "Is there anything else?"

Farkas took a gulp of air. "Yeah, he likes to make stuff; wood carvings, weapons, jewelry, wreaths, that kinda stuff. He also hates bugs."

"I can see why you're friends now." Vilkas deadpanned. "Is that all?"

Farkas took a moment to think. "Hmmmmm... yeah, that's all." He paused for a second. "You got all the stuff you need for your date?"

Vilkas stomped off downstairs while Farkas howled with laughter, hair dripping wet from the mead his twin poured on his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited chapter three a little bit. All I did was add some more details about the events leading to Kaiser's breakdown including his trial. Dustman's Cairn will come up in a future chapter. I might go back and edit the last couple of chapters again and correct Kaiser's speech pattern since he's supposed to talk very informally (i.e. saying 'wanna' instead of 'want to', or 'gonna' instead of 'going to' for those of you who want an example of how he speaks.) and I forgot that when I was writing the shit. 
> 
> It might take me a little longer to write the next chapter because I have a pretty busy week ahead of me. I'll post it somewhere between Thursday or Saturday so I wont be gone for long. I haven't finished that picture of Kaiser I said I'd draw yet but I make sure I get it done by the time I update. I did say I'd give the links to my tumblr and insta tho so here ya go:
> 
> Tumblr: https://sayten-the-hellspawn.tumblr.com/  
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sayten_the_hellspawn/
> 
> Hope you enjoyed my shitty humor!


	6. Wash It All Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilkas does a lot of thinking and raging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo waddup. Let me know about any spelling/grammar mistakes in this chapter so I can fix them. Also, I'm introducing some new cuts to the story so here's a legend of what they mean:  
*********** = time has passed  
+-+-+-+ = flashback  
<><><><><> = POV has changed (this one has been in previous chapters but I figured I'd clear this up now to avoid confusion)
> 
> I should also mention that a few days have passed since the events of the last chapter and I'll go back at some point to put dates in all the previous ones once I have a timeline set up. Don't want any inconsistencies in this story so that would be a great time to fix any that might exist at the moment.

A few hours had passed since Vilkas had asked Farkas about Kaiser. He sat in his room, going over the information in his head, deciding what to bring up when he had his talk with Kaiser later. There were so many things he wanted to ask the younger wolf; 'What did the Silver Hand do to you?', 'How long have you had the beast blood?', "Have you always had trouble controlling your wolf?'. Vilkas knew not to ask the first of those questions, at least not imediatley. He had to be careful with what he asked Kaiser, he didn't want another breakdown to happen.

Vilkas began to wonder about some of the things his brother told him, though. Kaiser was from Falkreath, he was heading to the border of the hold when he had his episode. He would often leave Jorrvaskr for a few days without telling anyone and would say the reason he was gone was 'personal' when asked. Vilkas knew why the younger Nord was going there, Falkreath was his home after all and a place he could go if things went wrong, but there was something else. There must be something in those woods that warranted the wolf's attention if he went there so frequently.

Vilkas felt a rumble in his stomach, Tilma's horker stew fresh on his mind. He could smell it in the air, he could almost taste it on his tongue. He decided to have his talk with Kaiser after his hunger was sated.

He made his way down the hall, passing Kaiser's room as he went. He stopped for a second and stepped closer to the door, keeping his ears open and sniffing for any blood. He didn't want to come in later to find Kaiser dead from self harm. He relaxed when he heard light snoring coming from within. It was a deep but quiet sound, peaceful and content. Vilkas unconciously smiled to himself, happy to know his shield brother was in a comfortable state.

The main hall was full of people when Vilkas got there. A few people had come to join the Companions since Kaiser arrived, something Kodlak had been very upbeat about. Vilkas was happy to see the Harbinger in such a good mood, it had been so long since he last saw the old man as excited and joyful ashe was now. Kodlak was sitting at the table with some of the recruits, telling stories of the things he had seen throught his long life, the battles he partook in, places he had been to. The aspiring warriors listened in awe with wide eyes filled with wonder.

Vilkas felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around, Tilma's warm smile greeting him with two steaming bowls of stew in her hands. He smiled back and a bowl. "Thanks, ma." He said. He watched as she headed downstairs with the other bowl, probably to give it to Kaiser Vilkas thought.

He looked around for a seat and spotted one next to Aela on a bench by one of the front doors with a tankard of ale in her hand. He walked over to her and sat down. He then took the spoon from the bolw and dug into his meal. The Huntress snorted at him.

"Just because you're a wolf doesn't mean you should eat like one." She joked. 

"I'm starving." Vilkas retorted. "And besides, Farkas is worse so shut up."

Aela barked a laugh. "Ah yes, compare your habits to your brothers. The perfect excuse!"

Vilkas rolled his eyes at her remark and continued eating.

"How's the new blood doing? Tilma told me that he isn't allowed to shift because of his injuries." Aela inquired. Vilkas swallowed his food befre responding.

"She's afraid his wounds will open up if he does, especially the one on his chest. She said the silver that was poured on it cause a lot of damage and it probably won't heal completely, not to the point where he will never be able to change again, but enough to leave a huge scar." Vilkas responded. Aela nodded, taking it all in.

"I'm surprised he even survived that, direct exposure to silver like that would normally kill a werewolf and even then, the number of wounds he got should have done the job just fine." The Huntress stated, taking a sip of her ale.

"I hope we find a cure for this curse soon," Vilkas began. "then we won't have to worry about him shifting again."

Aela quirked an eyebrow. "I don't think he can be cured, brother."

"Why's that?" His voice was uneasy, worried.

"Haven't you seen his eyes? Only those born with the beast blood have golden eyes in human form." Vilkas' heart stopped.

"I thought powerful wolves had golden eyes." He said, uncertain.

"That too, but in most cases it's the former. If he tries to cure himself I don't think it would end well. The wolf is essentially part of his soul so if you tried to take that away I think his soul would be ripped apart." Aela looked him in the eye. "You and odlak have been talking about a cure, haven't you?"

Vilkas sighed and leaned back into the bench, setting hs empty bowl down beside him. "We have. I want to be cured, Aela, Kodlak and Farkas too. We want to go to Sovngarde in the end, we don't want to suffer to the thoughts of the hunt anymore."

The Huntress scoffed. "And lose all the power you have? Don't you savor the feeling of changing? Don't you want to see all of our shield siblings in the Hunting grounds? She paused. "Don't you want to see Jergen again?."

Vilkas glared at her with rage. "Don't you **_ever_** bring him up again. That Gods damned bastard isn't of my concern anymore and I don't give a **_fuck _**where he is now." Aela sunk into the bench as Vilkas rose from his seat, his nostrils flaring with anger as hot as the Red Mountain. "If you ever try to use him to get to me again I swear to the Nine you're going to wish you never became a Companion." His growled, his eyes flashing gold for a second, a sign of his wolf emerging.

People were staring at them now, whispering to each other as they witnessed only a little of the anger within Vilkas' heart. The wolf looked around and felt his rage cool a little as he realized the spectacle he was in the center of. His eyes met Kodlaks, the Harbinger giving him a concerned look. Vilkas quickly sat back down as everyone went back to their buisness. He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. He could feel Aela staring at him.

"Are you going to stare at me or are you going to say something." There was venom in Vilkas' voice, his temper having yet to cool. 

"No." was all she said, her tone quiet and clearly intimadated. She had never seen her shield brother that angry before.

Vilkas stood from his seat and left the Huntress to her own devices. He just wanted to get away from her for now. He didn't want to see Kaiser like this, so he decided to cool down a little before seeing him. He hadn't bathed for a few days so he figured he could do that. 

**********

Vilkas sat in a tub in the communal bath, happy that Jorrvaskr had seperate tubs for individual bathing. He didn't mind bathing with others in the main pool but right now he just wanted to be alone. He sighed as his muscles relaxed in the warm water, his arms resting on the rim of the stone tub with his head rolled back. After a few minutes of relaxation he began scrubbing himself down with soap, dirt and grime streaking down his body and into the water.

As he cleaned himself his thoughts raced. Aela had done a fine job of reminding him of Jergen, as if he needed help any remembering his dead father. Jergen was a failure in Vilkas' eyes; he rarely spent time with his sons and barely even had any part of raising them when he was around, he abandoned them without a second thought when he went to fight in the Great War and Vilkas didn't even want to think about how Jergen reacted to his own wife's death. The very woman who loved him so much and bore his own children and he just... left her. Left her alone while he lived his life, free from the responsibility of raising the children she gave him. He left his own family to be captured by necromancers and only came to rescue them when it was far too late. 

Vilkas snapped out of his rage induced haze when a sharp sting invaded his senses. Looking down he realized he had scratched himself while he cleaned his leg, his nails digging deep enough to draw blood and allowing the soap to seep into his sensitive flesh. He sucked in his breath when he splashed water on the wound, the stinging intensified as he tried to stop it by washing it out. He huffed in frusturation as he finished washing the soap off his body, watching the suds slide off his body and into the now cold water, leaving clean skin behind. He sat in the tub for a while after that, waiting for the sting to fade away.

**********

The master at arms emerged from his quarters bearing new attire; a simple brown tunic with green linen pants and black leather boots, the same outfit he wore during his first conversation ith Kaiser. He walked down the hall to the younger Nord's room, a little nervous about what he should say. He had cooled down significantly since his bath and decided now would be the best time to talk to his shield brother now that he was calm.

He knocked on the door before entering, finding Kaiser wide awake and eating some stew, which was definitely cold by now, but he didn't seem to care. The younger wolf looked up at Vilkas for a few seconds before returning to his food. 

Vilkas sat down in the same chair as last time and waited awkwardly for Kaiser to finish his meal. He looked around the room and spotted Kaiser's bag on the ground. He wondered what else was in it other than the silver scalpel, he didn't go through the entire thing when like he told Kaiser. He stopped when he found the scalpel, which was the first thing he came across, so there was much more things in the bag that he didn't know about. This worried him, considering the whelps secrecy. 

Once Kaiser finished his food he set the bowl down and turned to Vilkas, his face expressionless like usual.

"Farkas told me about your talk earlier."

"**Fuck.**" Vilkas thought, but unconciously said. Loudly. Kaiser's softend a little.

"Why do you wanna help me if you barely know anything about me?" The larger wolf asked, shifting to face Vilkas. The older Nord had an expression on his face that said 'I fucked up' written all over it, and Vilkas knew it. He didn't have enough energy to be angry again today, so that was the only expression he could muster; a look of shock mixed with surprise and dread that made Kaiser chuckled a little. Kaiser brought his legs up from hanging off the bed and crossing them like a child would, his back hunched.

Vilkas looked up at the younger Nord and sighed, an empty, tired sound. "I already told you why I want to help you; I don't want you to fall to your wolf. I don't want you to kill yourself because of something from your past and miss out on the life ahead of you. I've already seen both in my life and I don't want to lose another shield sibling to their wolf or their past." He looked up at Kaiser who's expression hadn't changed.

Kaiser nodded and looked to his feet. "So, I guess... What else do you wanna know about me?"

Vilkas sputtered in astonishment. "You still want my help?"

The younger Nord shrugged. "Wouldn't want all that time you took to get to know me to go to waste, would you?" Vilkas cracked a smile at that.

"Alright," He said. "tell me about yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being a lot shorter than i wanted it to but its pretty late right now so ill just start the next chapter right were this one ended in Kaiser's perspective, so be prepared for a lot of emotional shit from him.
> 
> I finished the drawing of Kaiser and I just posted it to my tumblr and insta so go check it out if you're interested.  
Tumblr: https://sayten-the-hellspawn.tumblr.com/post/187091381210/my-oc-from-my-skyrim-fanfic-a-wolfs-burden-on  
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/B1TKWE1hKtb/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet
> 
> I'd honestly just post it to this chapter but I dont know how to insert images on AO3. It's probably easy to do and I'm just doing something wrong. Why? Because I'm an idiot.
> 
> I'd like to do more artsy stuff for this work at some point but i dont have a drawing tablet so i can't do digital art, which is what i want to do for this work instead of always posting something on paper. I'm hoping to get a job as soon as places start hiring in my area. I'm also taking a few courses to help make my resume look more impressive so I'm pretty excited for that.


	7. Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't anywhere near as long as I wanted it to be but I decided to post it since it's been a while since I updated. I've been pretty busy for the last few weeks so I didn't get a lot of time to work on this but I hope it's good. As always, please let me know about any spelling/grammatical errors so I can fix them and enjoy!

Kaiser carefully thought about what to say first. His options were limted since Farkas had told Vilkas pretty much everything Kaiser was comfortable with saying. He guessed he could just expand on what Vilkas knew, since he didn't want to reveal the darker events of his past yet. He wanted to build a little more trust with his shield brother before then and he didn'twant to think about those events any time soon. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt or even kill someone due to another breakdown. Once he decided what to elaborate on Kaiser spoke. "Well, I was born in Falkreath, raised by my mum and pa... Uh... Didn't have alotta friends because of that..." He looked around the room and rubbed his neck, deep in thought. He didn't really know what else to say about his early life. It wasn't because it was uneventful or anything, he had so many memories that he cherished from that time, it was what happened at the end of his childhood that was hard for him to talk about. Every time he remembered his childhood his mind always went to that event, the first of the misfortunes he would have to face in his life.

Vilkas' voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Running out of things to say?" The older Nord asked. Kaiser nodded his head, a little nervous. Vilkas scooted closer on his chair. "Why don't you tell me about living there? There must be something about you're childhood that you want to talk about."

Kaiser nodded again and took a deep breath. He shifted in the bed and looked down at his lap, clasping his hands together and his thumbs beginning to twiddle. "It isn't that it wasn't interesting, it's just that... I don't wanna remember some of the stuff from back then..." Kaiser kept his head down, a bead of sweat sliding down his temple. Flashes of his childhood trauma went through his head, he could feel his wolf rising from within, the stress he felt feuling its desire to rip through his body and free itself from its prison. Images of death filled his head, the horrific sights only amplifying his anxiety. He gripped his sheets tightly, his nails piercing the wool and drawing blood from his pale skin. He could feel his wolf emerging as his teeth elongated, his nails dug deeper into his skin as they grew causing a sharp pain to ripple through his palms.

A hand gripped his bicep and he looked up, locking eyes with Vilkas. The older beast's stare burned into Kaiser's soul, his own wolf submitting in the Alpha's precence, but only slightly. Kaiser's beast was hard to control, even his former pack leaders had trouble calming it when it emerged. Kaiser looked down to his hands and saw blood soaking the blankets and sheets, the crimson liquid dirtied his nails and dripped down his stained fingers. He dug his face into his hands and cried. Not loudly or painfully, just a quiet sob of misery and regret. He hated the creature inside of him, he hated his mind for the things it forced him to imagine. He hated when the beast took advantage of these thoughts just so it could wreck havoc on everyone around him. Kaiser was tired of it. All of it.

A warm hand gently splayed across his back, rubbing the his cold skin in a comforting motion. Kaiser jumped at the sensation but calmed quickly. Vilkas sighed deeply as he rubbed the younger wolf's back. "Do you want me to leave? We can talk again when you're ready."

"No," Kaiser mumbled through quiet sobs. He wiped his reddened eyes and shakey breath. "I need to deal with this. I'll have to anyway, at some point."

Vilkas nodded understandingly and sat back in his seat. He stayed silent as his shield brother rubbed the tears away, the clear fluid seeping between his fingers and down his large, muscular arms.

"I just... I just can't take it anymore." choked the younger Nord. He sat with his back hunched, his body jolting as he let out a hiccup. "I can't handle this fucking thing being inside me. It's always there, constantly screaming at me to let it out. I can just feel it ripping me apart and I... I just want it all to fucking stop." Kaiser's hands were tightly gripping his long black hair, looking like he was trying to scalp himself using pure strength alone. His body shook as he held in a scream, his rage and misery almost bursting out of his mouth, wanting to be heard. He leaned to his side and set his head against the cool stone wall, eyes squeezed shut like he was in pain. "Fuck!" He hissed. "Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!" He slammed his fist against the wall with every word, restraining his frusturation the best as he could. He grit his teeth as his hand clawed at the wall before letting out a rage filled scream which quickly subsided into another sob. His shulders sagged as he relapsed back into a heap of despair. He could feel Vilkas staring at him, with disgust no doubt. He was a pitiful mess of a man, even the word 'man' was too kind of a title for him. He wasn't a man, just a weak pig that didn't deserve the kindness that the Companions had shown him.

Kaiser could feel his shield brother's eyes on his exposed back, the scars that littered it most likely being what drew his attention. They were reminders of what the Silver Hand had done to him, reminders of where he stood in this world. He still felt the tool that caused most of those scars on his sensitive flesh, tearing into him as he was put back into place. It had been years since then but the memory was still fresh in his mind, as well as all the other things that were done to him. He felt the scream in his throat rip out into the still air in all of it's agoniazing glory. Frusturation, confusion, and suffering all mixed together in one loud, drawn out cry for help. Kaiser's voice pitched high as the wail ended, his head turned to the cieling and he slumped down into the bed with his arms at his sides in exhaustion.

He could see Vilkas staring at him in the corner of his eye and he slowly turned to face the older wolf. His face didn't have the look of disgust that the younger man thought he had, instead it was a mix of sympathy and sadness. Vilkas put a hand on Kaiser's limp shoulder and gently squeezed it comfortingly. His fingers were soft and warm, making it even more soothing as he softly rubbed Kaiser's cold flesh. They sat together in silence like that, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable this time however. It made Kaiser feel at ease this time. He felt safe, protected, comfortable. His wolf was still going wild inside of him but it was easier to ignore now, it was more of a quiet nagging trying to be heard rather than the horrifying howl trying to put him into submission it was trying to be.

"I'm sorry I'm so fucked up." Kaiser sniffled a bit, his tears gone but eyes still trying to cry. "You don't need to do this, y'know. I'm just a bother to you."

Vilkas shook his head in disapproval. "No, you're not. You're the furthest thing from being a 'bother'." Kaiser sputtered in disbelief.

"Yes I am! I can't be fixed! Every time I've tried to get help It's never worked!" He sat up from his position and swung his legs to the side of the bed to fully face the smaller Nord. "What makes you think it'll work this time? What can you do that'll help me in the long run?" He almost shouted those words at Vilkas, his sudden outburst seemed to startle the older man, yet he calmly responded.

"I don't know if I can provide you with an answer to that. I don't know if anything I do will give you what you want. Kodlak most likely knows a lot more about you're mental struggles than I do, all I know I can do for you is help tame your beast, or have more control over it at least." He leaned in close to his shield brother and gave him a look of intensity. "You just need to trust me. I can't do anything effective for you if you don't. You need to do the same with the old man. It's his job as Harbinger to guide the Comapnions in our plights, whether personal or not." Kaiser had nothing to say at that, his anger melting away and turning into regret for his outburst. Vilkas continiued. "I don't want to have to tell you again, alright? You can either accept my help or you can ask someone else. Your choice."

After a few moments of needless pondering Kaiser slowly nodded his head. "Okay," He paused to look Vilkas in the eye. "I accept."

<><><><><>

Vilkas smiled. "Alright, tell me whatever you want." He felt this annoyance toward the situation fade as he said that. He finally felt like he got through to the whelp. Hopefully it would last, he didn't want to repeat himself for a third time at the cost of his sanity.

Kaiser thought for a bit, his golden eyes looked to the roof as he pondered what to say. "I was in a few packs before I joined you guys. I was in both for five years and I lived with a friend for a year before coming here." He paused again as he thought. Vilkas went over that information in his head, taking internal notes of everything. "What is it like to be in a pack?" He asked. The Circle was technically a pack but Vilkas wondered what living with a group in the wilderness was like. He knew it was much more dangerous than living in a city. Sure, in the city there was always the risk of people finding out about the curse the Circle held, but wild packs always had to worry about bandits, trolls, and most importantly, Silver Hand. Vilkas had seen what was done to those unfortunate souls who were sent to the Hunting Grounds in so many gruesome ways; some were skinned alive, burned to death, or in Kaiser's case, exposed to silver through a wound. It made Vilkas want to vomit whenever he thought about that particular one. He never wanted to know what that felt like, ever.

"It was nice." Kaiser brought Vilkas out of his thoughts. "We would run around in the woods, play fight, hunt together. Y'know, wolf stuff." A smile crept onto his face as he remembered those days. "It was a lot of fun to watch everyone fight while me and my mate rolled around in mud." Vilkas was a little surprised that Kaiser had a mate. He seemed so closed off, he hadn't pursued the two friendships he gained in Jorrvaskr and didn't seeme to want any more. He wondered if the younger Nord had always been like that until now. Vilkas decided to aske about that, so he did.

Kaiser looked a little sad when he answered. "Yeah, I miss him a lot." Vilkas knew then that his shield brother didn't want to elaborate on the subject so he quickly changed it. "How long have you had the beast blood?"

"I was born with it." Kaiser shrugged. "My pa was a werewolf and passed it down to me." Vilkas' heart dropped as he heard that. His conversation with Aela flashed through his mind, could Kaiser be cured? What would it do to him if they removed the wolf spirit? Would he die? Would it hurt? He didn't notice Kaiser staring at him with concern. "Is something wrong?" He asked.

"No, I'm fine." Vilkas reassured. He didn't need Kaiser getting his hopes for a cure up yet. He didn't want him to get excited about something that Kodlak didn't even know was possible for sure yet. Kaiser seemed to buy Vilkas' lie and nodded his head with a small smile. "Okay, I thought I said something wierd for a second." Vilkas gave a nervous smile at that and turned away. A knock at the door caught the wolves attention. The door opened and Tilma walked in with a basket filled with bandages and healing potions. "Am I interrupting anything?" She asked in her usual sweet voice. Kaiser shook his head. "No."

"Alright. I just need to change your bandages. I think you'll be able to start walking around here soon." She smiled at the whelp, causing him to beam a little in excitement. Vilkas stood up and started for the door. "I'll leave you to it then, mum." he addressed to Tilma before turning back to Kaiser. "Want to talk again tomorrow?" He was happy when Kaiser nodded in agreement and with that, he left and went to his room. He went through what he learned in his head again as he went, feeling like progress was made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I did a decent job at showing Kaiser's mental heath issues. For those who don't know, he has depression, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. I think I did an ok job at displaying his depression since I also suffer from it so I have a some insight on what it's like to have it. His PTSD was a little harder to show because I'm still learning about some of the symptoms of it (I'm not a psychologist or anything, I just have a lot of interest in mental health stuff) but I think I got the point across. I feel the same about his bipolar disorder too. His isn't a severe case or anything, it's just kinda there so I'm trying to be a little more subtle with it. If there's anything you think I can improve on with those things please let me know in the comments, I really appreciate constructive critisism and it helps me out a lot with my writing!
> 
> I'm gonna start working on chapter 8 next weekend since I wanna spend this week relaxing a little (and money grinding on GTA Online) so expect me to update around the end of this month/beginning of October.

**Author's Note:**

> So the time has come for me to post once again to this website. its been a long time since I last updated but my life is starting to smooth out at last. Most of the last year and a half has been pretty stressful for me: I graduated from high school in June and started seeing a family counsellor. I also lost a family member a few moths ago and I took it pretty hard, but I've gotten a lot better since then. I'm also searching for a job so hopefully I'll be employed in a few moths at most. So with all that said I'm going to be posting more often now that my life's cleared up a little and I have a laptop I can use to write my shit on (my iPad kept crashing whenever I tried to post stuff so that's part of the reason I didn't update for so long). I wont be taking any requests for Transformers Smut for a while because I want to take some time getting back into writing. 
> 
> Btw if anyone is wondering what Kaiser sounds like I imagine him sounding similar to Peter Steele (frontman of Type O Negative for those who don't know who he was.)


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